Patients Say the Darndest Things

Patients Say the Darndest Things

by: Andrew Dykeman,DC

I have decided to collect some of my favorite patient quotes for this month’s article. These are not to be taken as an insult, judgment or slander but merely humorous observations and quotes that have made me chuckle. Since I am just starting my seventh year of practice, I am sure there are many more doctors with many more interesting contributions, so please send them to me for consideration at:


“Doc, you want me to start walking five minutes a day. Does that have to be all at one time or can I break it up?”

“I gotta hitch in my gitalong.”

“Yeah, I quit smoking but then I got a cough, so I started up again to loosen my chest.”

“I’m on a diet now. I only eat at McDonald’s four times a week now.”

“My uncle injects NutraSweet and water into my knees and shoulders. It is called Prolotherapy.”

“I woke up all stoved up. My leaders are tight too.”

“My back was fine. It only started hurting after I played 5 hours of “Call of Duty.” I was fine, I don’t know why it came back.”

“My last choir-practor cracked everything. Do you?”

“I can’t be addicted. I only do five Darvocets a day. No more, no less. And I been doin’ that for fifteen years.”

“Lipitor ain’t no statin. My real doctor told me so.”

“No change in my health history lately. Oh yeah, I had a quadruple bypass last year.”

“Doc, I am scared. I am numb from my toes down.”

“I have my teenage son walk on my back. Now, I am sore.”

“It doesn’t matter what I eat. Garbage in, garbage out. Right?”

“The best thing that helps my knees is rubbing WD 40 on them every afternoon. Nearly pain-free since doing that.”

“I got the gout.”

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